Mar 09 2009
Why We Hate Polygamy
I was watching Big Love last night as I usually do on Sunday nights when it’s in season. Each week, hubby and I seem to have the same conversation about how he has no desire to have any more wives - as though he’s got a choice, right? - and I always tell him that it wouldn’t be so bad if she had a really good job or she liked to clean house. But all joking aside, why is our society so disgusted by the very idea of polygamy?
Before we get into this, I think it’s important that I clarify what I’m talking about since there are two different kinds of polygamy.
The first kind of polygamy is the one you might see paraded around on the news. This is where they live on a compound and the women are more like currency than individuals. A spouse - usually a much older man - is chosen for girls at a relatively young age and they are forced into marriage as soon as they are physically able to bear children. Abuse towards women and children may be common, as is a certain level of brainwashing.
I think we can agree there’s a problem with this first kind of polygamy as it gives way to rape, abuse and, let’s face it, there’s just something icky about a 50-year-old man marrying a 12-year-old girl. This isn’t the kind of polygamy I’m talking about because, well, if you can’t already see what’s wrong with this then I’m not going to be able to explain it to you.
The kind of polygamy I’m wondering about is when grown and intelligent women enter into plural marriage.
I started thinking about this last night because of two storylines taking place on Big Love. The first is that it keeps coming up to the main character (Bill Henrickson played by Bill Paxton) that polygamy is illegal, almost as though they feel the need to remind viewers that you can’t have more than one spouse here. The second storyline centers around Bill’s polygamy pal, Don, and the fact wifey 2 and wifey 3 have left him and won’t let him see his children.
This really got me thinking about what the problem is with the kind of polygamy portrayed on the show. The two characters in question weren’t preying upon young girls and only “married” women old enough to give legal consent of their own free will - if it were legal, that is. Consider this: men have mistresses and father children outside of their marriage all the time. At least in polygamy, all the women are aware of what’s going on and all the children are raised with a father figure present in their lives.
As for the man who doesn’t get to see his kids, well…wouldn’t normal paternity rights apply? I mean, he did father the children so a simple DNA test would prove they were his. Does being a polygamist automatically mean you can’t be a good dad and are unworthy of parenting?
Keep in mind, y’all, I’m not saying polygamy is necessarily right or anything. I’m just wondering what makes it so wrong in situations where there’s no coercion, rape, brainwashing or abuse. What do you think?
it’s wrong, period. I see your point about having mature and responsible re;ationships between consenting adults and even having the father in the children’s lives on a constant basis however, that is like giving a man the license to sleep with whomever he wants at will, spreadding disease between the women and raising thier children in a very confused atmosphere filled with lies and secrets. Not all lives or all who are concerned would have the sense of “normalcy” as on Big Love, which we watch it as well…and you can see the daughters story line, she just wants out and that’s beng raised without being on a compound.
~Momma
I no longer have HBO nor a husband…however, once upon a time I watched ‘Big Love’ and enjoyed it, perhaps more so than others for my linage is that of Joeseph Smith and my father B.C Hardy has written books on Polygamy and so the subject hits close to home with me.
I myself have been asked to join a polygamous group…many years ago, after a divorce…I was young then and the very thought preplexed me to say the least…I was not mature enough to think out side the ox of main stream society…and thus declined.
However, now that I have some wisdom under my belt, well, I cannot see any probalems at all that a main stream marriage would not experience. Polygamy may be a plus…or not, if you have a mind for insecurity and jealousy. I think it takes a strong woman/wostrong men and women to enter into such a union.
I don’t watch TV, but I’m pretty open, in principle, to the notion of multiple marriage among consenting adults. But if we open ourselves to that, it can’t be limited to polygamy, but should include polyandry as well.
I can’t say I have the slightest interest in more than one man nor do I think men are wired differently such that polygamy makes more sense. If a group marriage of some kind is the “right” thing for some people, it’s stupid to make assumptions about the makeup of such a group.
I don’t have a moral opinion except, as you noted, when we start talking about nonconsenting or nonadults. My life’s not so empty I need to tell other people what’s right for them.
Momma - I’m not sure it’s fair to say polygamy gives men the license to sleep around. Since it’s part of their religion, I believe they actually cannot sleep with a woman who isn’t a “wife”. I’m not sure a polygamist man would have a higher propensity to cheat than would any other man.
Misty - What is a polyamorous relationship? I want to make sure I understand all the terminology.
Star - I know what you mean. I think I skimmed over the “caring is sharing” book when I was a kid so there’s no way I’d be able to share my hubby with anyone. Hubby did say during one of the Big Love episodes that we should take you and your hubby on as additional “spouses” so that we could get your kid by default. (You know, since y’all wouldn’t sell him the last time we were up there.) He dropped the idea when I finally told him that Buddy and Jinx would never get along under the same roof. He’s a goof.
Lola - I still don’t see why being a polygamist would preclude him from seeing his children. I can see how it’s a legal issue, but I don’t see how polygamy is any different than a man having a family with his mistress and the wife knowing about it. It happens all the time and those guys don’t go to jail.
Grandq - Agreed. All the people involved would have to be VERY strong indeed.
Stephanie - What’s polyandry?