Apr 27 2009
Velveeta is NOT Cheese
I have a confession to make: I’ve been very busy lately. I’ve been cleaning out, clearing out and rearranging my entire house. I’m just about done. During the course of this reorganization, I made a VERY important discovery.
Velveeta is NOT cheese. Actually, I’m not even sure Velveeta is real food.
Let me back up. While I was getting the terror room aka my office cleaned out, I might have let the dishes in the kitchen fall to the wayside. Y’all know where this is going, right? I think we’ve all been there…
Anyway. I have two slow cookers. In the larger one, I’d made beef stroganoff. Nothing fancy, just one of those slow cooker meals in a bag. It must have sat there for nearly a week. (I know. I’m adequately ashamed of myself.)
It was beyond bad. Since the sink was full of dishes, I opened the lid to dump some antibacterial dish soap in there to start killing off the civilization of mold living there. Then I washed every other dish in the kitchen. And then I stared at the slow cooker wondering if hubby would notice if it went missing. And then I took a deep breath, started the garbage disposal, got my lemon juice ready and took the plunge.
Oh my dear sweet Lord…
That, my friends, is what evil must smell like.
I tell you all this because this is what’s supposed to happen when you’re dealing with REAL food. Real food decays. Real food spoils. Real food grows what may one day become intelligent life that can clean my kitchen for me. Remember this. Less than seven days and real food becomes something that could never pass for edible.
Now comes the truly shameful part of all this. *sighs* Velveeta.
I think we all know the best way to make queso dip is to throw a block of cubed Velveeta into a slow cooker with a can of spicy diced tomatoes and heat to ooey gooey perfection. What can I say? Cheesy goodness like that is the perfect Super Bowl snack.
Yes, I did say Super Bowl. As in, more than two months ago…
Remember how I mentioned I have more than one slow cooker? Well, hubby used it to make Velveeta dip for the Super Bowl and it got shoved off to a corner of the kitchen. Things got moved around in there. We got busy. It got forgotten.
Since I’d just managed not to vomit in my sink over the first crock pot of evil, I figured I’d tackle that beast as well. Why tempt fate on two separate days? I mean, I haven’t thrown up in more than ten years so I’d like to limit my exposure to gag-ogens (gag-inducing pathogens) as much as possible.
If seven days was enough to create evil then I knew two plus months was going to be death. I took a deep breath to brace myself before opening the cover. And it smelled, well…
…delicious.
I’m not kidding. There was no mold…at all. It smelled exactly the same way it smelled the day it first went into the slow cooker. In fact, I have no doubt that I could have plugged it in and had a yummy snack.
I didn’t, by the way. It’s not like I have a death wish.
Naturally, this is why I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that Velveeta is not cheese. I mean, real cheese - or any dairy product, for that matter - would have grown something after two months that would already be building spaceships to look for intelligent life outside its slow cooker universe.
So tell me…How many nutrients do you really think you might be able to get from that Velveeta “cheese” you’re thinking about eating?
Jen
“The difference? I make sarcasm look good.”
Yes I’m okay. Don’t be too shocked, babe. I have a toolbar that lets me update Facebook with my blog posts without actually going onto facebook.
Oh. My… and I thought *i* was bad with the procrastinating on getting pots & pans washed (I love having a dishwasher, takes a lot of the kitchen stress away - cooking stress is still there, of course…)…
I’ve been tempted to get me a block of velveeta just because if you look at the nutritional info, I think looks better than regular cheese - fat-wise, maybe sodium-wise, can’t remember — but something always holds me back. Probably because you shouldn’t be buying cheese that goes unrefrigerated… … heck that’s why I call the UHT milk in cartons “fake milk”, same principle :p
I always thought that stuff was gross, my gosh if I had a choice between that and spam my head would explode off my body.
My husband however says that milk products never grow old or harmful, that they just progress to some aged-stage, yeah, well unless it was my intent to make yogurt or cheese, I’m tossing the lumpy milk.
Please, no need to apologize…those big dishes always seem to sit the longest….hmmm, time to load the dishwasher again.
Lynne - You know, I’ve never trusted my dishwasher to completely clean the dishes so I always prewash them in the sink first. Yeah, definitely don’t buy it. Blech!
Violette - My hubby is sort of like that. I’m hesitant to use the milk in my cereal the day after the expiration date, but he’s all like, it’s good for at least 3 days later. Whatever. I can smell the milk souring beginning the day after it expires. But I might just be more sensitive to things like that…
Always glad to provide a good laugh.
Hi Erik. I was watching that link in the middle of the night so I didn’t have the sound on, but something tells me I didn’t miss much from that aspect. The images were all I needed. Proof positive that real food will break down and decay while velveeta and McD’s fries will be two of the only things left after the end of the world…along with Styrafoam and cockroaches.
Thanks for the link!